It comes and goes

For the past weeks, I came up with of a lot of different of realization. My life is just a compilation of good, bad and odd situation that can make someone insane or on the opposite completely and irrevocably happy.  The thing is, I don’t know where I am, between these two options. I feel overwhelmed because I don’t know where to start and where things need to finish. For instance, me and my best friend, we know each other since 1 and we use to best of friends in the whole world, we got into a fight not too long ago and we just stopped talking. I’m fully aware of all the bad things I thought and said about her. I would gladly apologize but I sadly meant everything I said, I know we grew up together and I should not have the desire to change her in any way but there were so many things that, as I grew up could not put up with anymore. I love her but I don’t know, everything has expiration dates maybe we passed ours. I should stop trying to hard and just go with it, at some point in our future life we’ll cross path and be happy to see each other. That, I am sure.

I’m just trying to fill this emptiness, this thing that makes me feel so… so alone, and misunderstood. I have passion, and questions and dreams. I don’t feel like anybody gets me. I’m awkward and too friendly. I think. Even being in a relationship is a struggle for me. I can’t feel or do anything without feeling like it’s not an ok of appropriate. Just kissing feels good at some point and then I wonder if it’s appropriate, if I’m disappointing someone or myself. I wish I didn’t always feel like I’m stuck in that cage that is my head and thoughts. I feel stuck, I’m so unsure about anything and everything I do.

The thing that upsets me the most is to have to end things that I don’t want to end and to continue the things that I wish were over.

 

 

Feeling the ” Ouhh lala”

Ups and downs everyday, all the time. It’s not a surprise, that I’m feeling better now, it happens all the time. I feel sad and depressed and something good happens as simple as a good song and I get back up, motivated and happy. I think I feel good, I surprise myself all the time when that happens. I juste fail to remember that it goes brighter at some point, when I feel bad about myself.

I’ve been listening to Bridge Burn by Little Comets. Its a feel good song and I love it. My parents just got back from Mexico and my dad finally announced that my family and I are going in a Luxury hotel for the holidays and it feel amazing to know that. As weird as it sounds, yesterday a really cute doctor with whom I was supposed to go on a date with informed me that we couldn’t talk anymore because he was seeing a girl and he liked her a lot. It didn’t even bother me… I usually beat myself up, I tell myself that I juste wasn’t good enough or whatever but today… I feel ok about it. I think good things are going to come soon I just need to wait a little.

I’m happy, I’m a happy monkey !

M

Day by day

I’m here laying in bed, its 1 am, its so dark in my apartment bedroom and I juste watched a pretty funny movie. I’m writing because, even after this funny movie I still feel super sad and empty. I feel like crying all the time, its like I’m going to explode and I need to run, scream and do nothing at the same time. I try to keep it together, do my things, ignore de feeling of discomfort but its there, all the time, day and night. I close my eyes and think about how my life has changed since my hospitalization, not only mine but also my family’s changed. I blame my self everyday and I feel ashamed of what I did. Even if my therapist keeps saying that it’s ok to feel like that but its the irrational part of myself that speaks out, I can’t make that feeling go away. Its this big weight over my shoulder and I sometime feel like I’m drowning.

 

I’m just trying to get up in the morning and keep going till the sun goes down.

Magali

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Greetings internet people, I’m officialy back. Things have gone out of hand during the past few weeks and I’ve been trought a lot of changes. For startes I dont live at my parents house anymore, well I come back every weekend just because I tend to miss them a lot during the week and I need to take care of my little boy (my cat lol).

 

So lets get this explanation started, let me explain what hapenned, why im here, how I got here, and where my neurological pain in my for arm comes from.

 

In the first weeks of august was the hosheaga music festival here in montreal and I was super excited to go. In conclusion I  ended up learning that one of the girls in our group put MDMA in the bottle of water we’ve been sharing… but I didnt feel the effect. The weird fact is that since that exact moment I started being a little obsessed with this 11years older than me guy from my job who’s actualy in a relationship.

I didnt feel like I was myself, I was at work doing my things but I made a couple of mistakes dans I was so mad at myself and I had really bad days where I would basicly run outside to cry without anyone seeing me. My job was amazing but I couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel, I told my family, how terribly weird I felt and they told me to call my doctor and so I did. My doctor suggested to take more clonazepam and more Trazodone so I did that and I felt a little better but clearly I was more drugged up all the time. I was about to start uni in the city of quebec half time and also work during that period. One night I just felt like my head was spinning and I kept thinking why not, I should take all my pills and just sleep. I didnt want to die I just wanted my thoughts to stop spinning. I got super scared so I asked my mom to bring me to the hospital. I was kept for 2 days at the psych ER where I went trought horrible things, I became really unstable and I scratched my arms to a certain point were I had bandages over my hands and all over my arms. Finaly they brought me upstair in the psych section of the hospital. I had my own room and I tried to pass the days. The doctor decided to change one of my pill to Zyprexa… I was so stoned that I slept for 2 days and I dont remember half the things I did while being awake. They stoped that pills and I came to reality. So the doctor discharged me. I came back home. After discussing the entire thing with my mother I learned that I appeared really sad and out of it during my time at the hospital, I even once pleaded the doctor to stop the medication because I wasn’t there anymore and my mother said that I was in distress. Coming back home was totaly different. My parents and sisters were really afraid I was gonna go back. During a shopping trip with my mom after a consult at the hospital. My boss called to informed me that I was fired… I was shocked because she didnt have the right to do that. Her reason was that I failed my probation because I missed to many days. The thing is, I had medical papers and my probation was over. I was so tired of everything that I didnt even take the time to fight back. I said okay and I just thought that maybe it was going to be a good thing for me at this time of life. So basicaly my family and I decided that I could go to university full time and move with my sisters and two roomates as planned. The 15 of september 2016, I was in Quebec with an old friend on mine and we drank a little and we were having a great night, when I learned that one of our friend from college was in town. We were so excited expecially because we hadnt seen him in 3 years. We met him at his hotel. He came out the elevator looking completely different. He had a long beard and super long hair, he was bear foot and he had these weird clothes. We sat on a banch and we talked. I finaly told him about my little trip to the hospital because he went trought similar things when he was younger. He then started telling me it was all my fault and that I decided to live this way. That I was a burden for my family. I asked my friend if we could go because he was too mean to me. We got into the taxi and we came back home. I sat in the bathroom while my friend was eating something in my kitchen. I wanted everything to stop spinning for just a little while. I wanted to sleep, I wanted my thoughts to stop. So I sat with my meds and I counted them. I took all of them. All my clonazepam, all my zopiclone. Then I freaked out. I asked my friend to call the ambulance. She opened the door and found me on the bathroom floor. I was crying like ive never cried before. My friend just ran to her cellphone and called 911. I couldnt get up nor do anything. I was just sitting there, crying and in panic. My phone rang. It was my sister and she heard my voice and immidiatly  asked me what was going on and I said Sarah, I just took all my pills. She then talked to maude who kept me awake while my sister was calling my parents at the same time and Maude was also on the other phone with the ambulance. She asked all tons of questions like, what I took, why I took it. It was all so clear to me, I wanted things to stop spinning and thats exactly what I told her. The ambulance arrived with the police. First the police came in really fast and found me in the bathroom. The ambulance arrived and I got up with help and walked to the stretcher where I layed and they straped me. I had a heart monitor, a machine taking my bloodpresure and a machine taking the level of oxygen in my blood. I remember enjoying the ambulance ride and wondering what my friend was doing and where my family was doing. I got to the hospital, I dont really remember much but I know I was laying on my bed with all the monitors, my friend was there at my bedside and she was also on the phone with my parents who were apparently on their way. I  was complitely lost. I asked my friend if I could go to the bathroom, initaly she said no, thinking it was to dangerous for me to get up. But then I got up, went to the bathroom bymyself and after I had peed I still felt like my thoughts were spinning so I saw this bottle of cleaner and I just drank it. I got out the bathroom, and simply told the PAB what I had done. I went back to my bed. I wanted a glass of water and they said no. They removed everything in my room because they knew I was a danger to myself. They called the anti poisoning center and they told the doctors that I wasnt in danger from the cleaning product but that I would have pain in my throat. I did, I also had stomac burns. My parents arrived, my mom and my dad were crying. My sister Gaby came and gave me a big hug and my sister sarah did too. My mom stayed by my bed the entire night and she told me my face was so swelled up that I was unrecognisable. My pouls was 40 beats a minute. They got scared at some point. I was sleeping to much. They took some blood sample to see if my liver and my other organs where okay. The result confirmed that they were doing fine. I remember waking up in a glassed room. Where I had my own bed and nothing else. I felt sad, completely out of it. I coudnt feel anything else. I was also very confused and still drugged up from all the pills I had taken. I felt scared and abandonned. My parents said that I was always crying and I was also verry mad. After what felt like years I finaly had permission to leave the hospital and so I did. Went back to my apartment. Came back home to see my doctor had another episode but my parent just brought me back to bed at the condo my mom had rented to make sure I was ok. I spent multiple weeks at the condo instead of my apartment. I finaly started school and even did my big exam to have my official permit to practive nursing.

 

 

I live alone now, well with my roomates. I take 3 pills a day instead of 15 pills a day. I sleep and sometimes I don’t. I cry but mostly I smile. My wounds on my arms are now little white marks that reminds me of that time were I felt like everything was crashing down on me. I came out alive, I am a lucky, I have a family that loves me and friends that are there for me.

 

Life is just much better now, even thought it was a terrible moment in my life, it brought me something positive ; confidence in life, in people, and I appreciate more all the little things.

 

M

Life is a rollercoaster

Last week, my friend and I went to florida for a little trip. We had a lot of fun and enjoyed the beach a lot. I was anxious from time to time because I felt like being in my house with my things was a lot more interesting but I pushed myself to go out and have fun. We even went on a rollercoaster ride, while being drunk and it was one of the move scarriest and funniest moment of the vacation. We drove back to Washington and took the time to visit the city,  see the white house and shop a little. Finaly we came back home on friday and I was a happy monkey. I loved my time there, but I wasnt that close to the friend who came with me before the vacation. I believe maybe, even if we had a lot of fun and I loved spending time with her, maybe if I had went there with a best friend, things would have been different. When I arrived home I learned that my mother was diagnosed with a severe depression and she then stopped working. Me being the person I am. I was extremely worried about her because I know exactly how she feels and saddly I do feel like that from time to time. Especially these past few weeks, because I had a lot of changes in my life and its something that gets me crazy in the head. I wrote the last post thinking life was amazing and all, I was so happy with how my life was turning and all that. But I didnt realize that these changes might have an impact on my emotionnal state of mind. I have to be quiet about it because I dont want to worry anybody, especialy my mother. Its hard at home. I have a hard time faking my emotions in front of my mother.

Hope things will get better.

Plus I’m single and that sucks.

The world is a good place to be right now

This will be a little post because I’m going to sleep and tomorow is my final interview for the job that ive always dreamed of having so I need my beauty sleep for tomorow. But basicaly All I want to say is that right now Im on my highest peak of happyness. I’ve been crying in my car numerous times these fast few days. You know, when you drive and the music is good and its sunny outside and you love how you look that day and you cant stop from smiling because you are so relaxed and everything is just so good and people are doing so great around you. I finaly see the futur, I finaly know how life is a treasor and I really want to remember this moment for ever to help me go throught the rough times knowing that once my life was a just a dark head fucking mess and that just after that everything went back in place and people around me helped me and I got back up and good things are always coming you just need to give it some time

M